WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WAS THAT TRUMP-PUTIN PRESS CONFERENCE?

By Evan Hurst

We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

Let’s watch the video together, as the president of the United States takes the Russian dictator’s side on everything and takes a shiv to everything that makes America truly great in the process. Afterward, we will bullet point the highlights:

Putin got to talk first, because everybody knows that when the president of the United States and the president of some pissant country with an economy smaller than Italy’s meet up, the American president says, “You go first, because you own me.”

In his prepared remarks, Trump said our relationship with Russia has never been worse, except for now it’s real good, because of whatever happened when he and Putin were locked in their room together. Trump said he spent a “great deal of time” talking about Russian election meddling, and that Putin has “an interesting idea” for how to handle it. (It is not a good idea.)

But the real fun came once the journalists started asking questions. Here are things Trump said, and things Putin said while Trump eagerly nodded his head like “Yes! You have instructed me to agree with you right now!” Each one of these quotes will make you want to start drinking right now and never stop:

NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION!

Jeff Mason from Reuters asked, in response to Trump’s tweet blaming America first for our bad relationship with Russia, if Trump thinks Russia has ever done anything wrong in its whole perfect life. Trump conceded that yes, it’s possible Russia might have done a bad thing here and there, but added:

I think that the [Mueller] probe is a disaster for our country. I think it’s kept us apart, it’s kept us separated. There was no collusion at all. Everybody knows it. People are being brought out to the fore. So far that I know, virtually none of it related to the campaign. And they’re going to have to try really hard to find somebody that did relate to the campaign. That was a clean campaign.

I beat Hillary Clinton easily, and frankly we beat her, and I’m not even saying from the standpoint … we won that race. And it’s a shame that there could even be a little bit of a cloud over it. People know that, people understand it, but the main thing, and we discussed this also, ZERO COLLUSION …

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Russia interfered with our 2016 election, according to all our intelligence agencies and the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee, and Trump’s Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats says the lights are “blinking red” that Russia is gearing up to insert its dick into the midterms, but the real problem here is that we are investigating those crimes, instead of letting Putin get away with what he did to install Trump in office.

Mason followed up by asking Putin why we should even fucking believe his lying ass about election hacking, and also is he willing to extradite the Russians Robert Mueller indicted on Friday for election hacking? So of course Trump answered for Putin, because Putin already put the words in his mouth in their private suite this morning, with his tongue:

As you know, the whole concept of that came up … as a reason why the Democrats lost an election which frankly they shoulda been able to win because the Electoral College is much more advantageous for Democrats, as you know, than it is to Republicans. We won the Electoral College by a lot — 306 to 223 I believe (304 to 227 – Ed.] […]
And frankly … but just to say it one time again and I say it all the time, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION. I didn’t know the president. There was nobody to collude with. There was no collusion with the campaign.

Holy fucking shit.

Once Trump was done yapping his thin lips, Putin took over:

As to who’s to be believed, and who’s not to be believed, you can trust no one! Where did you get this idea that President Trump trusts me or I trust him? […]

Could you name a single fact that could definitively prove the collusion? This is utter nonsense. […] There’s no evidence when it comes to the actual facts. So we have to be guided by facts, not by rumors.

Oh go fuck yourself, Vladimir.

BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION COLLUSION!

Putin went on to address the 12 of his own Russian military intelligence officers indicted by Robert Mueller, and presented a novel idea, which is that he is totally willing to help Mueller with the case:

We will interrogate, hold a questioning, of these individuals who he believes are privy to some crimes. And our enforcement are perfectly able to do this questioning and send the materials to the United States.

Oh, isn’t that just so very nice of Putin! He will ask his own guys whether they carried out the operation he ordered with his mouth! And in exchange, Putin wants American law enforcement officials to go after that guy Bill Browder, the investor dude whose work against Russian corruption has led to Magnitsky Acts all over the world, named after his colleague Sergei Magnitsky, who was murdered in a Russian prison. Putin even alleged, based on whatever info he pulled out of his ass right then, that Browder donated $400 MILLION to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. (He didn’t.)

Later in the presser, Trump couldn’t stop fawning over Putin’s “incredible offer”:

He offered to have the people working on the case come and work with their investigators with respect to the 12 people. I think that’s an incredible offer.

We’d say Putin’s KGB training is really paying off, but we also think a marginally intelligent dachshund could out-maneuver Donald Trump, so …

WE INTERRUPT THIS VERY IMPORTANT COLLUSION SO VLADIMIR PUTIN CAN GIVE DONALD TRUMP A SOCCER BALL FROM THE WORLD CUP THAT PROBABLY HAS A LISTENING DEVICE IN IT.

Trump tossed it over to Melania and said it would be a nice present for Barron.

Easiest “wire tapp” ever.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE TREASON.

Jonathan Lemire from the AP was the real hero of the day, asking Trump specifically who he believes about 2016 election interference — Russia or ALL OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES AND THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE? And as a follow-up, would Trump look Putin in his eyes and see his soul tell him to fucking cut that shit out?

And Trump said:

You have groups that are wondering why the FBI never took the server — haven’t they taken the server. Why was the FBI told to leave the office of the Democratic National Committee?

I’ve been wondering that, I’ve been asking that for months and months and I’ve been tweeting it out and calling it out on social media. Where is the server? I want to know where is the server and what is the server saying?

With that being said, all I can do is ask the question. My people came to me, Dan Coats came to me and some others, they said they think it’s Russia. I have President Putin; he just said it’s not Russia.

I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be. But I really do want to see the server.

BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT MAKE SENSE TO NOBODY. Dan Coats says one thing, but Putin says a different thing, and Dan Coats doesn’t have a pee tape of Trump, but Putin does (allegedly!) so that settles it! Russia NOT GUILTY! Dan Coats and Hillary Clinton GUILTY! He added that all he can do with Putin is “ask the question,” we guess because he doesn’t have the balls to actually get in Putin’s face, because that would involve the humiliation of admitting he couldn’t have won without illegal outside help.

Trump had another question that is definitely on the subject of 2016 election meddling:

What happened to Hillary Clinton’s e-mails? 33,000 e-mails gone — just gone. I think in Russia they wouldn’t be gone so easily. I think it’s a disgrace that we can’t get Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 e-mails.

We’re frankly shocked Trump didn’t turn to Putin and say, “Putin, if you’re listening, could you please hack Hillary Clinton and find her 33,000 missing emails?” like he did several hours before the Russians tried to directly hack Hillary Clinton’s personal office in July of 2016.

In summary and in conclusion:

So I have great confidence in my intelligence people, but I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.

In other words, that is the president of America saying America can go fuck itself. Can we put this guy on trial for treason yet?

FINALLY, LET’S TALK ABOUT PEE TAPES AND DEMOCRACY AND OTHER LOOSE ENDS!

Vladimir Putin, y’all:

I was an intelligence officer myself! And I do know how dossiers are made up!

We bet.

Tell us how democracy works, Russian trash dictator:

I believe that Russia is a democratic state, and I hope you are not denying this right to your own country, you’re not denying that United States is a democracy. Do you believe United States is a democracy? And if so, if it is a democratic state, then the final conclusion in this kind of a dispute can only be delivered by a trial, by the court, not by the executive, by the law enforcement.

DO NOT CONGRATULATE.

After a soliloquy that managed to name-check George Soros, Putin got another great question, which was basically DO U HAVE A PEE TAPE OF THAT GROSS ORANGE DIPSHIT NEXT TO YOU?

Well, he didn’t say he doesn’t:

Yeah, I did hear these rumors that we allegedly collected compromising material on Mr. Trump when he was visiting Moscow. Well, distinguished colleague, let me tell you this: When President Trump was at Moscow back then, I didn’t even know that he was in Moscow. I treat President Trump with utmost respect, but back then when he was a private individual, a businessman, nobody informed me that he was in Moscow.

Actually that’s a complete lie. Putin totally knew Trump was in Moscow, and Russian intelligence is ALL ABOUT SOME DAMN KOMPROMAT.

Here is the end of Putin’s very strong denial of all the pee tapes he has on Trump, which is just as strong as his denial that he boned our election:

Well, it’s difficult to imagine an utter nonsense of a bigger scale than this.

Well, please, just disregard these issues and don’t think about this anymore again.

Bite me.

Oh, did we mention Putin finally got around to officially endorsing Trump in the 2016 election during today’s presser? That happened.

Also Trump said some unintelligible bullshit about Peter Strzok, immediately before he and Putin ran away together into the Finnish evening to do whatever dictators and their intelligence assets do for a fun night out in Helsinki.

We said it before, but ISN’T THIS A FUCKING FUN DAY TO BE AN AMERICAN?

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