The 445,672 Most HOLY FUCKING BATSHIT Moments In Bob Woodward’s New Trump Book (SO FAR!)

By Evan Hurst

Are we still liveblogging the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing from hell? WE ARE. But because we are a badass who can write two blog posts at the same time while also drinking all the wine for Wine O’Clock, we need to direct your attention to the new HOLY SHIT Washington Post preview of Bob Woodward’s new book Fear, which is about the fear that should grip every patriotic American when they consider the fact that Donald Fucking Trump is president of the United States.

Remember how apeshit Trump went over Fire & Fury? Yeah, well, the portrait here is WAY worse. Let’s look at some highlights!

The stuff about Trump’s former lawyer John Dowd!

Remember how John Dowd used to be the only real lawyer on Donald Trump’s team, but even he was kind of a big idiot? Anyway, he quit-fired himself from the Trump team back in March, after a wild and crazy weekend of emailing Daily Beast reporters crazy messages in purple comic sans (for real).

But before that, back in January …

John Dowd was convinced that President Trump would commit perjury if he talked to special counsel Robert S. Mueller III. So, on Jan. 27, the president’s then-personal attorney staged a practice session to try to make his point.

“Intervention” is the word they are looking for there.

In the White House residence, Dowd peppered Trump with questions about the Russia investigation, provoking stumbles, contradictions and lies until the president eventually lost his cool.

“This thing’s a goddamn hoax,” Trump erupted at the start of a 30-minute rant that finished with him saying, “I don’t really want to testify.”

OH PLEASE TESTIFY, DONALD TRUMP, OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE.

In March, right before he quit, Dowd met with Robert Mueller and expressed some concerns about quite normal things like “Is Donald Trump going to jail? Y/N.”

On March 5, Dowd and Trump attorney Jay Sekulow met in Mueller’s office with the special counsel and his deputy, James Quarles, where Dowd and Sekulow reenacted Trump’s January practice session.

Dowd then explained to Mueller and Quarles why he was trying to keep the president from testifying: “I’m not going to sit there and let him look like an idiot. And you publish that transcript, because everything leaks in Washington, and the guys overseas are going to say, ‘I told you he was an idiot. I told you he was a goddamn dumbbell. What are we dealing with this idiot for?'”

“John, I understand,” Mueller replied, according to Woodward.

That’s right, y’all, Robert Mueller understands that Donald Trump is FAR TOO STUPID to testify.

So, according to Woodward, Dowd went back to Trump and said, “Don’t testify. It’s either that or an orange jumpsuit.” (Your mouth to God’s ears, John Dowd!) Unfortunately, President Best Brain changed his mind again:

“I’ll be a real good witness,” Trump told Dowd, according to Woodward.

“You are not a good witness,” Dowd replied.

And why is Trump a bad witness, John Dowd? Oh, just because he is a “fucking liar,” according to Dowd, as reported in the book.

And then Dowd quit, because fuck this shit.

Everybody in White House knows Donald Trump is a senile motherfucking idiot, isn’t that reassuring?

We all knew that former cabinet members like Rex Tillerson and H.R. McMaster agree that Donald Trump is a “fucking moron,” but they don’t work there anymore. But it turns out people still at the White House are always scheming to undermine Trump, to ignore his orders, and literally to steal papers off his desk for national security purposes, so he can’t fuck the world even more than he already has.

For instance:

At a National Security Council meeting on Jan. 19, Trump disregarded the significance of the massive U.S. military presence on the Korean Peninsula, including a special intelligence operation that allows the United States to detect a North Korean missile launch in seven seconds vs. 15 minutes from Alaska, according to Woodward. Trump questioned why the government was spending resources in the region at all.

“We’re doing this in order to prevent World War III,” Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told him.

After Trump left the meeting, Woodward recounts, “Mattis was particularly exasperated and alarmed, telling close associates that the president acted like — and had the understanding of — ‘a fifth- or sixth-grader.'”

Hey, Jim Mattis, what do you REALLY think of the president?

Here is an example of Mattis ignoring Trump, who had just ordered the assassination of a foreign leader, TOTALLY NORMAL:

After Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad launched a chemical attack on civilians in April 2017, Trump called Mattis and said he wanted to assassinate the dictator. “Let’s fucking kill him! Let’s go in. Let’s kill the fucking lot of them,” Trump said, according to Woodward.

Mattis told the president that he would get right on it. But after hanging up the phone, he told a senior aide: “We’re not going to do any of that. We’re going to be much more measured.”

That’s right, Donald Trump. You speak, and the rest of the administration says “fuck off.”

Gary Cohn, back before he quit being Trump’s chief financial advisor because he was mad about the president defending the Charlottesville Nazis tariffs, had his own way of ignoring Donald Trump, and it was by literally grabbing shit off Trump’s desk and hiding it:

Cohn, a Wall Street veteran, tried to tamp down Trump’s strident nationalism regarding trade. According to Woodward, Cohn “stole a letter off Trump’s desk” that the president was intending to sign to formally withdraw the United States from a trade agreement with South Korea. Cohn later told an associate that he removed the letter to protect national security and that Trump did not notice that it was missing.

CNN reports more about that situation, providing important quotes from Gary Cohn:

“I stole it off his desk,” Cohn told an associate. “I wouldn’t let him see it. He’s never going to see that document. Got to protect the country.”

Also, when Trump demanded a letter be drafted to pull the US out of NAFTA, Cohn told alleged White House wifebeater Rob Porter not to worry, and that he’d just steal that letter from Trump’s desk too.

Oh, and speaking of letters, Cohn reportedly tried to hand Trump his resignation letter after Charlottesville, but Trump called the letter “treason,” because President Good Words has the best words. (He thinks turkey cooking is called “gestation,” and his mom was really good at it.)

Here is what John Kelly thought Gary Cohn should have done with his “treason” resignation letter:

“I would have taken that resignation letter and shoved it up his ass six different times,” Kelly told Cohn, according to Woodward.

And here’s what John Kelly really thinks of the president, which we kinda knew already:

“He’s an idiot. It’s pointless to try to convince him of anything. He’s gone off the rails. We’re in Crazytown. I don’t even know why any of us are here. This is the worst job I’ve ever had.”

WELL WHY DON’T YOU JUST QUIT, ASSHOLE? Yeah, we know, we know, you think your very presence is saving America, but we gave up on that whole “John Kelly is the grown-up in the room” nonsense years ago. Maybe you should shove your resignation letter up inside the president’s butt six different times?

We are just saying.

Which member of the cabinet does Trump think is ‘mentally retarded’? Keep reading to find out!

Remember how Donald Trump hates Jeff Sessions for his southern accent, because Donald Trump thinks southern people like many of the voters in his base are stupid yokel sister-fucking morons, to whom he’s only nice in public because con-men gotta have their useful idiots? Well, it’s even worse than that!

Mocking Sessions’s accent, Trump added, “This guy is mentally retarded. He’s this dumb Southerner. … He couldn’t even be a one-person country lawyer down in Alabama.”

Seriously, Trump supporters, he HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE you.

Also, this is what he thinks of Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross:

Trump told Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, a wealthy investor eight years his senior: “I don’t trust you. I don’t want you doing any more negotiations. … You’re past your prime.”

That’s probably true. Also there is the minor fact that Ross may be one of the most incognito criminals in the entire administration.

What does Donald Trump think he is the ‘Ernest Hemingway’ of?

“It’s a good thing,” Trump said when Twitter expanded its character count to 280, “but it’s a bit of a shame because I was the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.”

Nope.

And finally, here is an example of Ivanka Trump being a total fucking dick.

Both people in this excerpt need to go fuck themselves:

“You’re a goddamn staffer!” Bannon screamed at her, telling her that she had to work through Priebus like other aides. “You walk around this place and act like you’re in charge, and you’re not. You’re on staff!”

Ivanka Trump, who had special access to the president and worked around [Reince] Priebus, replied: “I’m not a staffer! I’ll never be a staffer. I’m the first daughter.”

Oh go blow it out your ass, Princess Complicit.

Anyway, this seems like a very fun book! Would read!

If you want more Bob Woodward funtimes, click here for the transcript of a phone call between Woodward and Trump, who just REALLY wanted to talk to Woodward for his “bad book” about how he is the very best president ever, but unfortunately nobody in the White House would let Trump talk to Woodward, probably because they all know it’s not a good idea for the president to speak words aloud to any human being, ever.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

[Washington Post / CNN]

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