The 445,672 Most HOLY FUCKING BATSHIT Moments In Bob Woodward’s New Trump Book (SO FAR!)

By Evan Hurst

Are we still liveblogging the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing from hell? WE ARE. But because we are a badass who can write two blog posts at the same time while also drinking all the wine for Wine O’Clock, we need to direct your attention to the new HOLY SHIT Washington Post preview of Bob Woodward’s new book Fear, which is about the fear that should grip every patriotic American when they consider the fact that Donald Fucking Trump is president of the United States.

Remember how apeshit Trump went over Fire & Fury? Yeah, well, the portrait here is WAY worse. Let’s look at some highlights!

The stuff about Trump’s former lawyer John Dowd!

Remember how John Dowd used to be the only real lawyer on Donald Trump’s team, but even he was kind of a big idiot? Anyway, he quit-fired himself from the Trump team back in March, after a wild and crazy weekend of emailing Daily Beast reporters crazy messages in purple comic sans (for real).

But before that, back in January …

Continue reading The 445,672 Most HOLY FUCKING BATSHIT Moments In Bob Woodward’s New Trump Book (SO FAR!)

Trump Says Google Is ‘Illegally Rigged’ After Googling Himself

By Heisenberg

“This is a very serious situation-will be addressed!”

Donald Trump has been Googling himself, which isn’t surprising because he’s a textbook narcissist who, over the weekend, actually took to Instagram and posted a picture of himself next to a statement ostensibly meant to commemorate deceased Senator John McCain.

For weeks, Trump has attempted to piggyback on recent social media bans of Right-wing conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones to reinforce his media bias message. That’s a backdoor way of trying to convince his base that all of the bad legal news and tariff headlines they read aren’t real.

Of course the reason social media and search giants have to be careful with folks like Alex Jones is that those folks push demonstrable lies with no basis whatsoever in reality. Jones was allowed to get away with that for years, but his ongoing dispute with the families of Sandy Hook victims and an absurd allusion to shooting Robert Mueller were a bridge too far for Apple, Facebook and YouTube (among others) who moved in to save viewers and listeners from themselves earlier this month.

Continue reading Trump Says Google Is ‘Illegally Rigged’ After Googling Himself

Meanwhile, Out in Left Field

By James Howard Kunstler

With Russian “meddling” stalled in the dead letter office, The New York Times has apparently re-branded itself Floozie Central in its quixotic campaign to unseat the Golden Golem of Greatness by all means necessary. The Stormy Daniels affair, and its slime-trail of payoffs, is the slender thread that the Resistance hopes to hang Donald Trump on.

The great legal minds of cable TV have been very busy trying to suss out which part of the $130,000 non-disclosure payoff might apply as a campaign financing violation. If Rudy Giuliani still had his wits about him, of course, he would claim that the money was just Ms. Daniel’s going rate for an overnight frolic amongst her legendary twin peaks, that is, a sex worker’s simple transaction fee. Where does it say in the constitution that a president may not consort with tramps and hussies?

Continue reading Meanwhile, Out in Left Field

So Much For ‘Just Trolling People’: Trump Revokes John Brennan’s Security Clearance

By Heisenberg Report

Now tell us, Paul Ryan, do you still think he was “just trolling people”?

Late last month, facing withering criticism for his obsequious performance in Helsinki, Donald Trump threatened to revoke the security clearances of the following intelligence and security officials:

  • Former CIA Dir. Brennan
  • Former FBI Dir. Comey
  • Former DNI Clapper
  • Former NSA Dir. Hayden
  • Former National Security Adviser Rice
  • Andrew McCabe

The rationale? Well, their criticism of Trump, number one, but also the “monetization” of their clearances.

The reaction Trump got to that threat was almost as bad as the reviews he got after the Putin press conference. Responses from the media, lawmakers and some of the officials in question ranged from fatalistic to incredulous to “surely he’s kidding.”

Continue reading So Much For ‘Just Trolling People’: Trump Revokes John Brennan’s Security Clearance

Fever Pitch

By James Howard Kunstler

Those in the USA who have not been driven plumb insane by President Donald Trump are probably scratching their heads down to the subdural cavity this week with his imposition of more severe sanctions on Russia only a month after he went to Helsinki to repair tattered relations with Russia’s president, Mr. Putin. The official reason: payback for the poisoning in Wiltshire, UK, of Sergei Skripal, retired UK/Russia double agent, and his daughter Yulia.

Really? For that? For a botched assassination with one of the world’s most potent military nerve agents which, by the way, failed to kill its victims. (Somebody please go inform the Russian military that they may have batch problems over at the nerve agent lab.) Oh, also, by the way, there’s less evidence that whatever-it-was on the Skripal’s doorknob, or in the bubble-and-squeak they ordered at that restaurant, came from Russia than from the UK’s own military poisons lab at nearby Porton Down.

Continue reading Fever Pitch

‘People Have Said P.T. Barnum!’ Trump’s Reality Distortion Loop Gets A New Dimension With TiVo Reruns

By Heisenberg Report

As you’re no doubt aware, the idea that Donald Trump spends an inordinate amount of time watching cable television is a popular misconception. Sure, it might seem like he watches a lot of TV because almost everything he tweets between the hours of 6:30 AM and 11:30 AM (i.e. “executive time“) is a quote from Fox News, but what you have to understand is that he’s usually too busy reading to turn on the television.

“I don’t get to watch much television”, the President famously said last year, before elaborating as follows:

Primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents. A lot.

Right. But again, the fact that the President habitually quotes Fox virtually every morning, means he’s either watching it, or else they’re sending him transcripts. Take Monday morning for example:

Well, according to a new Axios article, when Trump gets some time away from Fox News and when he isn’t immersed in “documents”, he likes to watch the Donald Trump show – literally. “Like an NFL coach reviewing game film, President Trump likes to watch replays of his debate and rally performances”, Jonathan Swan writes.

Continue reading ‘People Have Said P.T. Barnum!’ Trump’s Reality Distortion Loop Gets A New Dimension With TiVo Reruns

We Think We Know The Real Reason Trump Is Losing His Shit Over The Mueller Investigation Right Now

By Evan Hurst

[biiwii comment: let’s balance out the previous hysterical post a bit with this one]

Hey, want to hear the world’s most amusingly hilarious LOL joke? Donald Trump wants the Robert Mueller investigation to be over in “a couple of weeks.” LMAO KNEESLAPPER EAT SHIT, MR. PRESIDENT!

Anyway, quick update on the Robert Mueller investigation, which will be over when it is goddamned over, thank you. NBC News reports that Mueller is in negotiations to interview Emin Agalarov AKA Just Call Him Emin, the mediocre yet homely Russian pop star who helped set up Donald Trump Jr.’s Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower. Will Mueller be successful in this endeavor? Dunno, but he’s talking to Emin’s lawyers! Of course, Emin lives in Russia, and we don’t see Vladimir Putin serving up the Russians Mueller has indicted so far, so we doubt he’s going to serve up Emin on a platter. However, Emin really really really really really wants to be a big pop star in America so if Mueller wants him, may we suggest he tell Emin he is “opening” for “Ariana Grande” at “Madison Square Garden”? It very well might work. (Emin sucks. You should know that Emin sucks.)

Continue reading We Think We Know The Real Reason Trump Is Losing His Shit Over The Mueller Investigation Right Now

Special Counsel Robert Mueller: Grand Inquisitor?

By Bob Hoye

Click for .pdf:

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Trump’s Tariffs Claim Another Victim As General Motors Slashes Profit Outlook, Shares Tumble

By Heisenberg Report

Tariffs are the greatest!

That assessment of America’s protectionist push, delivered on Tuesday via Twitter proclamation, underscored the notion that Donald Trump is becoming increasingly detached from reality as he plunges further down the trade war rabbit hole on the way to taking US protectionism to levels last seen in the mid- 1970s.

Tariffs

Trump’s efforts to extol the imagined virtues of his trade policies came just hours ahead of an announcement that the government is now moving to bailout American farmers hurt by China’s retaliatory tariffs. The proposed $12 billion aide package was roundly criticized by Republican lawmakers and didn’t play especially well with the agricultural community either.

Continue reading Trump’s Tariffs Claim Another Victim As General Motors Slashes Profit Outlook, Shares Tumble

‘I Fully Support Jerome Powell’: At G-20, Steve Mnuchin Swears Trump Respects Fed Independence

By Heisenberg Report

This weekend, Steve Mnuchin is in Buenos Aires for the G-20 meeting, and much like his first trip to the summit earlier this year, he’s under pressure to defend the Trump administration’s adversarial approach to global trade.

It’s a tough sell, to be sure. Trump is effectively trying to roll back decades of progress on globalization and free trade. As BofAML’s Michael Hartnett recently put it, “new tariffs are set to boost US protectionism to highest level since mid- 1970s”.

Tariffs

Continue reading ‘I Fully Support Jerome Powell’: At G-20, Steve Mnuchin Swears Trump Respects Fed Independence

Mulvaney Tells Fox Trump Didn’t Say What Trump Said About The Fed

By Heisenberg Report

It’s been a rough week for Trump administration officials.

The problem for the President’s advisors, aides and apologists is that Trump insists on taking the most controversial position possible on every single issue that has the misfortune of landing on his plate.

From international relations to domestic issues to economic policy, he revels in controversy. He seemingly views everything as an opportunity to “prove” his “disruptor” credentials, even when it’s not necessary. Here’s how I described it earlier on Friday:

Continue reading Mulvaney Tells Fox Trump Didn’t Say What Trump Said About The Fed

WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WAS THAT TRUMP-PUTIN PRESS CONFERENCE?

By Evan Hurst

We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

Continue reading WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WAS THAT TRUMP-PUTIN PRESS CONFERENCE?